Here's my boyfriend! He isn't real. Created: 31/08/2024 Last updated: 01/12/2025

This is Team Galactic's leader Cyrus! A man determined to create a new world without strive. He was introduced in the GEN 4 Pokémon games (Diamond and Pearl) released in late September of 2006, and made several more (albeit rather minor) appearances in future games.... He's my boyfriend! Or at least, I pretend he is.

We live in a time where the internet has become a bit of a necessity. From online shopping to work-related matters to simply staying in touch. Despite its recent involvement in our day-to-day lives, many can not go without, for many this even IS their lives. If the life behind a screen is more significant than the one you truly experience, what do real relationships matter?
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31/08/2024 Of course, the above is rather nonsensical. Humans are social beings, creatures in need of human touch, human experience, human connection. Matter of fact, it makes my choice for 'romantic companionship' quite the ironic one. Yet, it makes the reality of things just the more sorrowful.

With the increased life spent behind a screen, those primary human needs have become somewhat lost. Though there's still plenty of love and connection if you look around, there's some undercurrent of isolation in how day-to-day life has become. Many spend a lot of their days behind their phones, seeking easier connection whenever possible. Note: Easier, that's where it goes wrong. Human connection is rather simple in and of itself, but to create something audibly meaningful is difficult. With the internet it is ever so easier to arouse emotion, to fill the need for understanding, affection and feeling with a placebo of sorts. An unrealistic perspective that many can not look past because it is easy and satisfactory, and inevitably avoids any need to be vulnerable. It's harder to reach real people, as it is harder than ever to be real.

I myself am no better, till this day many hours are spent in fiction. Creating stories that are more cinematic compared to my isolative NEET lifestyle. Even after several failed relationships due to a mere unwillingness to get over attachment issues and express actual vulnerabilities I settled for what it easy. A man my type: Difficult, interesting, mature yet unrealistic.. That's my type, yes. I didn't say I have good taste (Perhaps I am better off not dating real people.) but all in all: Someone not real.

In a way, it is a dramatization. There are still many lives spent in a meaningful manner. And even IF someone does rot away behind their pixelated worlds, what does it matter? Inevitably, all humans live for a simple reason: to survive. We don't have the primal lifestyle of wild animals. We humans can't just freely hunt when we're hungry, or roll around in a pond if we require a washing. We as a species have developed quite the different quality of life. Nevertheless, with survival I mean one thing: The simple act of living. Of course, for many food, shelter and other necessities are not as much a given as it is for others. That is a matter worth acknowledging of course. We do live in a society where money is our primary source of our survival. But it isn't worth discussing in detail on a page about dating fictional characters. That's the wire mother of survival, we're talking about the cloth mother. (Reference to the Harry Harlow monkey experiments.)

Humans are a social species, in turn that means it's genetically inevitable to desire human interaction and connection. Of course, this is a need showcased in animals as well, it really is just a natural phenomenon. Why? Look at ants. One ant is nothing, many can cause quite the hassle. It is a give and take, a mutual understanding and support. Of course, the average human being is intelligent in that regard which comes with its difficulties (though with some of the rudeness I see these days it's quite hard to truly believe those words, but no matter.)

Taking myself as an example, I find myself unusually uncomfortable around people. Fact of the matter is that as much as people are bit lamb-minded, following any trend or common mindset in their surroundings, they're still deeply complex individuals that CAN go beyond their set ways of being. I think that animals are much less deceptive than the average human is. Sure, humans can generally be predictable. But I feel like the chance for a sudden change of mind, life or being is much more prominent and common in humans compared to the average animal. That is something I consider in my every interaction, knowing how deceptive people can be no matter how much you can try to recognize the signs of lies. Humans have made deception ever so easier simply through the fact we speak through words with a variety of meanings, rather than JUST tone and body language.

Long story short: Human beings are complex and somewhat unpredictable.

Now imagine: Someone perfect for you, someone predictable, someone you can suit to your every need. Someone you don't have to worry about beyond the simple challenges of life.. Well, that's just unrealistic, isn't it?.. But does it HAVE to be real?

It is certainly considered a taboo of sorts in day-to-day life, I don't see many talking about it (Than again, how involved am I in my community? Not much). But on the internet there are many, and I say MANY participants in Selfshipping, AI dating and other matters in that genre. A question may be, is that healthy? I feel like it depends. There's a delicate balance in all that brings pleasure, especially in regards to anything addictive. Despite the easiness of hiding away from the world there still is a NEED to live. But that brings us back, is it bad? Unhealthy? Embarassing? I feel like it inherently isn't, personally

Inevitably, everyone is 'weird' in their own right. If not to one it will be to another. If dating a fictional character makes one happy, what is the harm? Though it is important to not get overly lost in fiction and neglect real-life experience and development.. But really, who am I to judge? If someone is happy and doesn't hurt anyone through that life, than is it really all that bad?

20/01/2025: Me and Cyrus are still "Together!" It's been over a year and anybody else has yet to take my heart..

05/05/2025 Someone real took my heart in March..

06/05/2025 Okay, you look stupid now! Falling in love after such an elaborate speech on fictional love. Rest assured: I didn't chase down someone difficult, interesting, mature yet unrealistic like I stated my type being. Sure, that it still very much my type. But that came from a place where I hadn't experienced true love. Closest I had gotten was Cyrus, and I still see that experience as the first evidence of me being capable of the romantic love after I had shut it out for over the last decade. But now I know true love, and it's for someone honest, mature but not without boyishness, hardworking, loving and handsome. Though the irony of it all that he lives about a 10 hour flight away. So in the end I'm still stuck staring at a screen to love.

I still very much see Cyrus as a huge source of comfort, though with this newfound affection for someone real the self-insert has grown to be more something of a best friend situation. There is no shame in selfshipping whilst in a real relationship of any kind, it just isn't for me. I already feel weird about the idea of selfshipping with multiple characters, but I don't judge anyone for doing so. In the end, fiction is fiction and reality is reality. They'll always be two separate entities.

Despite dipping my toes in the waters of loving an actual human being I still see value and agree in what I stated above. And it still partially applies to me. People dream, people yearn, people desire. Inevitably the source of pleasure is the things we imagine it to be, rather than the reality of it. Sex can be many things; arousing, romantic, terrifying, reproduction, or just plain people rubbing into eachother. Any type of thing isn't exactly what we experience it to be. All life is fiction, a perspective with tangible elements. There's always two and more sides of the story, and they can differ even if neither party is lying. Inevitably, all parties lie; all you have is something closest to the tangible truth.

People find love in pain and comfort. In the tangible and in imagination. Does it truly matter whether it is real or fake? No. As long as nobody is harmed, or anything that could harm someone is encouraged.

Fictitious love can be shapen to suit your needs and desires, but it won't be tangible beyond object. Love for someone alive is more difficult, but I find it is a lot more exciting to love someone real, someone flawed. I've never experienced love like this before, I assumed I was just too caught up in my own head, my own issues, to experience such a thing. But I fell in love with him in the most selfless ways I can muster, and I will continue to try and be selfless for him. I want to be a nicer person, a happier person, and I want this to work despite the way I am and have been.

Love is about choosing someone over and over. And no matter how much I distance myself from reality I want to choose him, continue to love him, and not chain him down to me or any sort of delusion. That is what love is to me.

25/08/2025 I've spent a while outside of the mindset of someone head over heels. Still, I stand by what I said: love is about choosing someone over and over. There's a want there, but with where things stand I don't know if I want to have any form of permanent romantic affairs. At least not online with such distance, or something codependent, since those are the only experiences I have so far.

I'm still new to "love", matter of fact I should be the last to share my opinions on the matter. I truly do desire love, intimacy, anything of the sort. But I am conditioned to detach myself from anything of the sort, whether I like to or not.

This, to stay on topic, is a reason why resorting to fiction is so much easier. But is it satisfactory?

I stand by this: if you can't be satisfied in your life as is now, nothing external will be the solution. That said, even if I were to hypothetical find the perfect man, who lives close by, gives me all the space or closeness I need, I shall still find reasons to be unsatisfied.

That isn’t to say something external can't EASE a turmoil of sorts. Love can do so much to make the burden of life easier. But inevitably this internal turmoil will remain unless you reflect and change. Yet, I've been conflicted about what I find to be an external matter: I feel guilty for being incapable of feeling love like those around me seem to do.

Will anything external fix this? Of course not. It's still an internal matter: guilt, shame, insecurity, uncertainty.

I might have to accept I'm unreliable with love, as much as that is an unfortunate way to live.

01/12/2025

To love is to choose someone over and over. This year has taught me a lot about love compared to other years. Needless to say in case it wasn't obvious: The relationship in March didn't work out at all. I cut contact very firmly, very suddenly. I do feel mournful for this act, the ache has eased but it does play on my mind. It was necessary, I don't regret the decision. But the way things were left off has me with many questions that won't be answered. I am learning to accept that.

Why didn't it work out? Well, distance for one. All my relationships up until this point were made-up or distant. If it wasn't physical, it was psychological. Most of the time it was both. And every time it was me who walked away from it.

That aside, it just wasn't healthy. It was a cycle of the same problems, from the second it had meaning there was no sense of contentment to be found anymore. Just problem after problem after problem because in no circumstance either of our needs could be met. Frankly? I do blame him. I did everything to find solutions, I took action, and every time it made it worse. I blame him for not knowing better and admitting something wouldn't work, I blame him for dragging my leash into a jog whilst what I wanted was to enjoy the stroll and take in the journey.

If you read this, I know I'm extreme, I know I'm unreasonable, but I don't understand why you're still here. I've taken the distance I need, I'm not going to take further measures and get you away from me or my content. That's your own decision, your own problem to work through. But know I get uncomfortable whenever you're online in my server, and dread the idea of you contacting me again despite my desperate attempts to be firm. I don't trust you not to accept my decision, because again and again I didn't truly felt listened to. In case it isn't obvious: Clearly I am hurt, and to be hurt is to care. I still seem to have registered the details of your life in my mind as something familiar, you were barely part of my life but somehow it feels like something is still lost.

I won't contact you again, I won't say these words to your face because that would make me more of a filthy liar than I already have been. And even in the times where I considered sending a text, demanding more answers, speak one more time, I promised myself to keep my word. I do not want to talk to you anymore, I've been hurt too much by it. But I can't stand keeping this to myself. I tried to talk about this, but nobody provides anything meaningful. Because that's the thing about love, an intimate connection between people: It's a private matter, an emotional matter, a vague conceptual feeling. Only you would understand, because we shared it together. And truly? I sometimes doubt you would. In the last call we shared you've made me feel like despite how much you dug into my entire identity, researched me above and beyond anyone else would've, you never truly knew me. I don't think you ever looked at me, REALLY looked at me.

I don't know what you'd feel if you ever were to read this, whether it'd be saddening to you, whether you'd be angry at my nerve, whether it'd be satisfying to hear something directed towards you again in some way. My guess is a bit of everything. But I don't know, because I can't find it in myself to trust you again, I don't know if I can trust my own judgement. Sometimes I'm convinced the whole endeavor was some sick joke, but I'd like to think better of you. My logical guess is that it was just a case of unfortunate circumstances, fear getting the better of you, life getting the better of you, and me having my own handful of needs and problems. Something like that.

The last call we shared felt like nothing. I cried, I cried a lot. And you gave me nothing but the occasional backhanded comment. It was cruel, but I think you were just angry and unwilling to show it. I wish you yelled at me then. I wish we said goodbye in a more genuine way. Instead we said goodbye in a way that sickens us both. Admit it, you weren't yourself. I hope that's going better for you now.

To me, our proper goodbye was that impulsive call. I don't even know what was wrong with me that time around. I just know I was walking in the night, and I felt sickeningly alone and stuck. Barely out of my street, I had our chat open and kept hesitating to call, but I did. I didn't have anyone else to call or text, and in a way I wanted a reason to pity myself if you didn't pick up, but you picked up quick. Our relationship had been strained for a while at that point, but in that moment it felt like we were right where we started again. I remember walking past the long road where you can see the factory from afar. I vaguely remember the stars, walking backwards and looking up at them in a playful kind of gesture. I like to look at the stars there. I remembered cycling there once before, and gazing upon the Big Dipper. It's the one constellation I recognize from here. I associate the stars with Cyrus, I never cared for space or anything like it until I got into the idea of love. Now? I feel like those stars represent love. Everything contained in a tiny dot surrounded by nothingness.

We talked. I don't even remember about what. I just remember joking along the lines that you must be happy I called as I passed by the gas station. That you were lucky I felt bad that night. That's the last time I felt connected to you.

I hope you leave soon. I hope I don't have to see your icon in my Discord server anymore, I hope to get some vague hint that you moved on from me. I hope you respect what I asked of you and don't send me that message soon. I hope you have a birthday without thinking of me.

I don't know anything anymore. I don't know how you speak of me, I don't know where you are, who you're with, I don't know if you still read my words, I don't know if you still look at my nudes. More than anything, I don't know if you're okay. Somehow, despite the anger, despite the hurt, if I were to know one thing I do not, it'd be whether you are okay.

I'll make sure I am okay at least, and I'm moving on. I already have.
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Despite still working through the events from March onward, I've given it another chance. I've known Gummie since I first made something of myself online. All it took was them joining the wrong Amino roleplay chat back in 2015/2016ish. We dated before, but as I do I cut it off. I remember putting so much pressure on myself, being so uncomfortable and scared.

Meeting for the second time in October, I've realized the meaning of my words: To love is to choose someone over and over. Even throughout March to early October, I've always said they're the most important person to me. That always remained unchanged no matter in what shape that importance manifested. Perhaps it was the vulnerability I found myself in coming right out of such an intense online relationship, or perhaps it was me doing the mature, right thing for a change and finally approaching intimacy realistically and get over my stupid fears and eccentric ideas (probably a bit of both). But I let myself ease into a relationship that's more tangible, more realistic. With someone I know can actually handle me. Someone who loves ME, someone who knows everything.

I'm not easy, though I won't deny that as much as I try to take on the role as an angel I'm a hassle and a mess once you get too intimate with me. I can't stand restraints, I can't stand the idea I'm not independent, I will forever try to get away from anything permanent. But yet, here I am still talking to them almost daily since I was a 12 year-old child. I'm 21 now. They're the reason I care to create, why I've written my characters with so much love. They've shaped me more than I comprehend. Throughout those two weeks I've held their hand more than I've held someone's hand in years. And I let myself go, I felt guided like a dog, comfortable, confident, trusting.

I'm only now truly starting to comprehend how delicate a relationship is, how messy and clumsy being vunerable is. But I find myself enjoying those odd little moments better than any fantasy I've come up with over the years. Never have I had intimate memories that made me giggle in amusement every time they came to mind, never have I thought that being close to someone could be so comfortable. Never have I felt no need to perform to be desirable. If anyone will love me, it's Gummie. I NAMED them for crying out loud. It's dawned on me that that's the most freedom I could ever get in a life. Because for once I don't have to fear whether anything at all I do will define me as a terrible, disgusting, good-for-nothing person, for once I don't feel the need to prove myself. For once I can be direct, a bit harsh, perhaps a bit hurtful. And I am confident I'll be loved. I'm unused to that feeling, and I don't want to take advantage of it. I'm certain there'll be moments where my excessive need to escape this life I live will cause conflict and hurt. But I have no doubt in my mind I'll be loved.

Never have I had so much familiarity, such a home. After an expression of such conflict it may seem like this expression of love is bleak in comparison, an act of convenience. But what I display is confidence, the consequence of someone who makes me a better person, rather than a worse one.

I'm sure I'll continue to find conflict in love, but I think I've made the right decision now. Bound by contract, I'll continue to make mistakes, I'll continue to learn. But I know I'll be loved, and I'll love in return. Know throughout it all I'll choose you over and over. Because that is love to me.